Healing Grace
God's Hands
An Excerpt from my book, GRACE FOR GRIEF.
I got our wake-up call when Morgan was thirteen years old and developed an eating problem. She had begun to lose weight.
Morgan had broken her arm practicing a back handspring for cheerleading tryouts and was out of activity for a period of time. This was different from the usual active schedule she had with sports and after school activities. She had begun to gain weight from inactivity, and she did not like it. On her own, she started cutting back on her food and started noticing changes in the way she looked.
“You look great,” was repeated over and over as Morgan started losing weight. With compliments everywhere she went, she liked the attention, and her weight loss journey continued, even when she did not need to lose any more weight. I was a little concerned, but I thought it was under control, and she was still eating. Little did I know that was the farthest thing from the truth.
Morgan had gotten into a downward spiral of not eating and continued to lose weight, reinforced with all the compliments.
Her clothes were hanging off her and by month two, I told her, “Morgan, this has got to stop. You need to listen to some professional advice.”
At this point, I took her to the doctor for a checkup, to get some help.
The doctor said, “You are at the lower end of weight for your height, 5’10”, but not in danger.” He talked to her about eating healthy and nutritious foods and that was that.
No help there. It was like the doctor had approved of her results of her poor eating habits. I was furious at the doctor for not helping.
She made no change in her eating habits.
I felt I was losing control of her. My panic thought was this was not a phase she was going through. This was serious.
First cut out snacks, then we noticed smaller meal portions, finally she wouldn’t eat dinner at home saying she wasn’t hungry. I would get her to eat, but sporadicity and very random.
At month three, she went on a church youth camp out and I warned the counselors, “Morgan has begun to be a picky eater, so don’t be alarmed. “
I thought she would conform back to her eating among her friends in a social setting.
“I am sending some things with her, energy bars, and a few things I thought she would eat from her self-imposed diet”, I told the counselors, since they would not be used to her finicky eating habits.
When they returned from the two-day retreat, the youth director asked to talk to me privately.
With a serious and concerned voice, she warned, “Morgan has a serious eating problem, and it was to the point where she skipped all but one of the meals that weekend. The telling factor was she knew the calorie count in the foods and refusing to eat anything that she didn’t know exactly what was in it; to the point of talking about the food but not eating any. I am worried about her health and possibly other girls in the group following her example. She is the leader of our group.”
“I knew she was bad, but I hoped it would go away with time. I guess I didn’t want to see this.” I thanked the youth director, “You opened my eyes to the serious problem and how far it had gone. I’m at a loss of how to help her and I’m in a turmoil inside.”
I was shocked to the point of denial that her “picky” eating had gone this far. Thankful for his guidance and concern, I knew it would be an uphill climb.
This was serious.
This was a turning point for me.
I realized that Morgan has an eating disorder.
The next few weeks were a nightmare.
She denied any problem, which is typical, and became a recluse, staying in her room and withdrawing. I would find her, secluding herself from the family, friends, and the world around her.
“Honey, I need you to listen to me. You are ruining your health and throwing away your life.”
“Mother, I’m just not hungry, leave me alone. Just let me go to my room, “as she pulled back her arm away from me in defense,” I want to go rest.”
Her personality started to change to quiet and avoid social interaction. These were not the traits I had ever seen in Morgan. Her thoughts and actions were about her looks and how to continue in control of her body. I would often find her curled up in a ball in her bed sleeping with absolutely no energy, her arms wrapped around her to keep warm. All the begging and pleading wasn’t helping and just eventually pushed her away. I would try to entice her by making her favorite foods with no avail.
Her constant repeated reply was, “I am not hungry.”
I did get her to eat brownies that I made, but much to my dismay, she would not eat anything else the rest of the day. She began to wear baggy clothes or sweatshirts to hide her thin body, but it was also just to keep warm. Her body fat was so low, she couldn’t regulate her body temperature. She learned to cover her tracks if I asked what she had eaten that day. It was usually more drinks than food with bars or crackers and I got the usual irritated reply, “I’ll eat when I get hungry, not now”.
At that time in 1998, there was little to no information about eating disorders anywhere in our hometown, except on the internet. There were no counselors or clinics to turn to for help. I knew a family that had dealt with their daughter and an eating disorder. She shared that their daughter was much better and had gone for professional counseling at Vanderbilt in Nashville, which was a two hour drive each way. I called and got an appointment, which was two weeks away, and things were getting worse. This was a disease of the mind, and Morgan was beginning to slip away from me. Her size 0 clothes were too big, and she was beginning to look like a lanky scarecrow.
People didn’t help by complimenting her, which continued her behavior. I wanted to scream each time she was told how good she looked. Didn’t they know we had a battle going on here? Were people blind to what was going on?
I was the mother and used to fixing things for my family, especially my children. If she had been in a wreck, or had an illness, I could have got her medicine. But anorexia does not have a quick cure and the possibility of her healing herself was not feasible. This all happened in a matter of a two-to-three-month period, and I was left broken. I had asked a few friends for prayer and prayer was all there was left for me to do. Helpless, our family had been turned upside down in a short period of time and we were losing Morgan in the process. Not only my husband and I, but our son Kirk tried to talk to her and encourage her to eat.
He got the same repetitive response from her, “Just leave me alone.”
One afternoon Morgan wanted to attend a youth rally at a local college to meet other youth from churches around our conference area. I dropped her off and I will never forget the feeling of helplessness that suddenly descended over me.
As I drove off, I started crying out of frustration and as I pulled the car over and stopped, I raised my voice and threw up my hands, “God why is this happening to Morgan? I have done all that I can possibly do,” and asked God through my tears,” Morgan needs help. I am turning her over to you and ask you to heal this eating disorder of her mind and body.”
I had never done anything like that before, but as I started the car through eyes filled tears and I drove home praying for a miracle. Giving up control of your child is a scary thing, but I had done all I could do to help her.
When I went back to pick her up that afternoon, I will never forget what Morgan had said when she got into the car.
“Mother, I saw a girl from the Memphis group who was skin and bones from being anorexic. She looked terrible and I don’t want to end up like that. I’ll do what you want me to do to get better”.
I felt an instant burden lift off my shoulders. I couldn’t believe my ears.
She was willing.
It was a miracle.
This was the first time she had acknowledged that she wanted to get better.
She wanted to get better.
I rejoiced and thanked God for this admission from her and from that moment on, it was the turning point in her recovery.
It took many months of going back and forth to appointments in Nashville and with a little prodding each time, but she decided she did want to get better and seek help. It was a gradual change, but she was committed and began to change her compulsive behavior. Her eating improved by branching out and eating a variety of foods and she began having family meals again. Not big portions by any means but eating with us instead of escaping into her room. She was joining the family at the table to eat again. Her personality slowly started to come back, and at the same time her old habits disappeared. It took longer to rid her of the compulsive thoughts in her mind. The mirror would seem to be the enemy and show her to be not thin enough. Weeks and months went by until I could say we had our old Morgan back again, not the shell of a girl consumed by body image. She still had a few off-limit foods, but slowly she gained weight to a normal size and began to be content with herself.
The doctor she had been seeing that turned her thoughts around, said to me,” as a mother, I had two things going for me, that helped in her recovery. Her young age, and she was willing to comply and come for help without resistance.”
Consent is a major part of accepting you want and need to change. He said many teens and adults with anorexia never recover. We were one of the lucky ones to have a brush with this horrific disease of the mind.
What the doctor did not know is the role of God, giving a healing spirit descending on Morgan that day.
God’s Hands,
God’s healing Grace.
“It’s the only thing I can say that happened to change her attitude in a matter of a few hours’ time, “I shared with my family.
She was back.
“Lord my God, I prayed to you, and you healed me.”Psalm 30:2
Unfortunately, eating disorders are much to common these days. The unrealistic expectations our young women are constantly exposed to can lead to unhealthy self-image of perfectly healthy and beautiful girls. Thank you for sharing the story of your challenge and ultimate healing you went through with Morgan.
My prayers have always been answered, but not always the way I expected them to be. Sometimes we have to let go and let God. Beautiful post!